No Slave to the Big Red Phone

It's 3 a.m. and at The White House, the big red phone is ringing.


As President I would refuse to be a slave to the Big Red Phone. When I am President, I'll just let the damn machine pick up:


Hello, you’ve reached The White House. Please listen to the following menu and make your selection. Please listen carefully, as some of our options have changed.

If you are calling because Bill Clinton gave you this number and told you this was the special “Presidential Booty Line”, press 1.

If you are a global terrorist or with a major terrorist organization and prepared to launch an attack against America or American interests, please press 2 and leave your threat, demand, or bitch at the tone.

If you are a Conspiracy Theorist or believe Dick Cheney remotely piloted the jets on 9-11, You can press 3 if you want to, but we already know who you are and now that you’ve been on the line long enough for us to trace the call, we know where you are too.

If you are a co-dependent, religious fanatic, bent on returning the world to some mythical glory day when your fairy tale ruled the known world, get your imam’s permission, before pressing 4.

If you are a schizophrenic, religious zealot bent on facilitating the return of your messiah, listen closely and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are calling to bitch about illegal wire tapping by federal authorities it will not be necessary to leave a message as we have already logged your complaint, and all other comments from your cell phone conversations. You may press 5 repeatedly. It will not route your call anywhere, but it may make you feel a little better.

If you are a Congressional Paige and are cornered in the men’s room by one or more current members of the House or Senate, press 6 and keep your hands and feet inside your stall at all times. Hang tight, help is on the way.

Please press 7 if you thought you were a schizophrenic religious zealot, but your messiah has not yet told you which button to press.

If you are with a corporation, or foundation seeking to change American policy through lobbying efforts, press 8 and you can use our automated system to make your donation to democracy. The President will call you back once your donations have reached the "Platinum Patriot" level.

If this is China, press 9, we'll call you back immediately.