28 March, 2005

Rock Band Seeks New Front Man

While waiting for airport security to administer my proctology exam, (and you thought you had a bad HMO), I was flipping through a magazine when I found an advertisement for a band seeking a new singer. A quick phone call elicited an email response from the group. Thought you might like to read their press release seeking a new lead vocalist. Maybe you know someone who can help these guys out.

Rock Band Seeks New Front Man

The Axis of Evil, chief sponsors of global terrorism, and one of the world’s great rock and roll bands, seeks new lead singer. Ideal candidate must know the group’s hits, including, “Great Satan Spangled Banner”, “Bushitler, He Lies, You Die”, and “Uncle Satan Wants U”. Also, we require our front man to be expert in handling the liberal puppies of the press. He must have them eating out of his hand, forcing them to forgo principles for the chance at “inside” band information. Saddam had CNN wrapped around his finger, and who could forget his interview with Dan Rather? Priceless.

Profiles of the band members:

Percussion
Kim Jong Il from North Korea. The “Nuclear Nightmare” was one of the founding members of the band. Even before we became the Axis of Evil, “his Il-ness” was leading the world in anti-Americanism. Wrote the Billboard #1 song “Atom Bombs for Breakfast” and did a stunning 9 minute drum solo remake of his father’s famous “Who Needs Heating Oil, We got da Bomb” on the band’s 2004 album, “Axis of Evil, One Night in Beijing”. We could go on, but the Jongster, who is certainly not media shy, really prefers to stay home, entrenched behind his drums (of war) and keep his neighbors up late.

Bass Guitar and Rhythms:
Syria and his security machines have provided the bass line, the heartbeat, of worldwide terrorists for decades. Never seeking the spotlight, content to play in the shadows, Syria is the world’s most perfect bass guitar player, and the Axis of Evil is lucky to have him. A founding member of the band, although, true to form, he never takes credit for it, Syria can always be counted on to let you crash in his room when you get into trouble out on the road. We would gladly give credit to our bassist for the songs he has written over the years, but no one is ever quite sure what role he played. Syria will never step forward to take credit for anything, he’s just so humble, and very popular with the ladies. Speaking of the ladies, watch out girls, Syria is rumored to be leaving his common law bride, Lebanon, sometime soon. Become a band insider at our website to get the low down.

Guitars:
The dueling mad mullahs, or as we like to call them, “The Axes of Evil”, are the distinctive one two punch that sets the band apart. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the “Supreme Leader”, and our “President” Ayatollah Mohammad Khatami, combine to form the world’s most incredible guitar duo. Laying down scorching licks for the planet’s hottest rockers, these two religious brothers rule (literally), with an iron grip. Khatami, plays the softer stuff that keeps the teeny boppers, the Europeans, and the western press drooling for more; and our Supreme Leader, Khamenei, hits it old school. Hard, driving riffs that whip the faithful into wild frenzies. Anyone who has ever heard Ali Khamenei live in concert knows they will never be the same again. His “Death to America” including it’s mammoth 12 minute guitar solo, is the “Free Bird” of Islamic Rock and Roll. Masters of double speak, the killer Ks call America the great Satan, but when they think no one is looking, they ink a deal with some outfit called Halliburton. Yes, that Halliburton. Technically, it was the Halliburton from the Canary Islands (wink wink, nudge nudge), so I guess that makes it ok with the mullahs. What gives guys? Visit our website and become a band insider to find out what’s really going on backstage.

Lead Singer:
When the Axis of Evil first launched, we were fronted by Osama bin Laden. Although he was responsible for taking the group worldwide, we were, regrettably, forced to go in a new direction following our Afghanistan tour. Osama just disappeared into the mountains of Tora Bora. The Americans can not find him, and truthfully neither can we. Once bin Laden pulled a Ricky Williams on us, we went with Saddam Hussein. He was fantastic with the press, and we were able to practice at his place, but difficulties with his current land lord have forced us to drop him as well. Qaddafi auditioned, but we could tell right away he was a sell out. We have had some success with Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, but you try getting that on a business card. Additionally, our internal polls show he is not as popular as we first thought. He lacks carry over. Though we funneled thousands of loyal fans into Iraq for our tour, we have not enjoyed the massive crowds Osama drew. Gate receipts do not lie. An example of Zarqawi’s problems with the locals occurred the other day. Some of Z’s fans were going to spread the band’s message to the community, when the people just opened up on his boys. Three members of Abu’s fan club losing their lives in a gunfight with a local shopkeeper sent our promoter into a panic. He just kept mumbling “Image problems…damage control”. Recently we were forced to cancel a show when Iraqi citizens tipped off the police about our “Free Concert in the Swamp”. This resulted in the death of 80 or so of our dearest fans. If the Axis of Evil is to maintain its rightful place on the global charts, we need a new front man, and fast.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

hillarious. North Korea, Iran's mullahs, Syria, the war on terror and George Soros, all wrapped up in one seriously funny package.

Anonymous said...

may I suggest Howard Dean? Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

That's hilarious Kurt, of course the mouth, James Carville comes to mind, he's a natural and he'll readily take money from the left.
BTW thanks for the E-mail.
Jack @ http://www.conservative-insurgent.blog-city.com/

beakerkin said...

Great Satire. Excellent but who would be the chicks in the video.

g in cincy said...

excellent!!
Dan Rather isn't doing much these days.

Chris Moonbeams said...

Just to say, my vote for hottest band has to be Arctic Monkeys. The Arctic Monkeys are shooting stars!

Barnsley-Freeads said...

If you want a seriosly good laugh watch these hillariously funny videos
http://watchthisfunnyvideonow.com/taf/?x=23077XlRf Good Time