05 June, 2005

What the World Needs Now

With all due respect to Burt Bacharach, what the world needs now is not love, sweet love. What we need is our scientists to "get busy". Forget cloning sheep and mice. Stop wasting time and money on embryonic stem cells; we need human cloning, and we need it fast. More specifically, we need the kind of human genome science that John Kerry hinted at during his Presidential campaign. Kerry let slip the true abilities of international science, when he talked about the great Boston Red Sox hitter, "Manny Ortiz". (Momentarily shedding light onto the improbable success of the Red Sox.) The BoSox had, not just Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz, but their genetically blended cousin, Manny Ortiz. What might our nation become if we could manipulate human genes to incorporate the best of two people into one great person. It worked for the Red Sox and it could work for America.

George W. Clinton
We get a President who can keep his fly zipped and his foot out of his mouth. Someone who knows the meaning of both "dissemble" and "is". A man, with steely resolve, who is loved by the media (and librarians everywhere), is very well spoken, and able to linguistically launch America's next strike in the war on terrorists.

We need a President who can spell out America's vision of peace and prosperity for the world. A leader who can paint a beautiful picture of a peaceful future for the Iranian people. Something to get them out into the streets by the millions, demanding the mullahs hit the road. A man the press would be unwilling to tarnish with daily footage of carnage in Baghdad. With George W. Clinton at the helm, we would see more headlines like:

Insurgency in Iraq contained to 3 hot zones
80% of country safe from violence and now living normal lives in freedom.

Abu Ghraib, Gitmo missteps pale next to Iran's human rights abuses.
The same day the world saw the brutal hangings in Iran, GWC praised Amnesty International's portrayal of Gauntanamo. AI labeled Gitmo "improving", and called for more interrogation experts to help the overworked specialists who made a few "small mistakes in judgment".

Mullahs' Hush Money from the CIA
Why did the clerics in Iran choose 1979 to lead the overthrow of the Shah? The CIA had previously paid 4 million dollars per year to the mullas to keep them quiet and contained. In 1979 Jimmy Carter put a stop payment on the check and the rest is history.

Yes sir, with George W. Clinton in charge, the US can not lose. So, why stop with our President? Try some of these out for size:

Condillary Rodham Rice
Senator, Secretary of State, the perfect vice presidential candidate for GWC. Her most famous quote: "It takes a village to spread democracy". She could take over in the event that George W. Clinton or any of his three back up clones were killed. She is on record as favoring military power to impose state run healthcare in Syria. A brilliant policy combination which has found few detractors brave enough to publicly denounce her plan.

Dr. Howard Rove
The most deviously clever, outright crazy SOB you will ever meet. 'Nuff said. Yeeeeaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!

Tune in nightly for the CBS Evening News with Rush Rather. Courage, ditto heads.

While we're on the subject of better living through science, maybe Congress should take a page from professional sports and start juicing to add some excitement to the game. Go ahead, fillibuster; but do it on steroids. Can't you just see the aftermath. "I had to fight the dark side, the neanderthals were at the gate" an exhausted Sen. Kennedy told Bud Selig at the MLB Committee Hearings into the use of performance enhancing drugs in Congress. "I'm not here to talk about the past" said John Kerry, who, despite unexplained "suntans" and disappearing wrinkles, never did address the steroid issue during his run for the White House. "Will you sign form 180, Senator?" Demanded Mark McGwire; referring to the missing link in the chain of paperwork that would release Kerry's complete urinalysis results from his second test. The one after they confiscated his Whizz-a-nator.

All this and more, better living through chemistry and genetics. Bring it on.


beakerkin said...

Pretty good I liked it.

Warren said...

What if we end up with a lecher with the oratory skills of GW?

kajando said...

two words:
Spare parts