To The Carter Center

Sarcasm meter: High (burnt umber)

With the Iranian national elections now just hours away, I have some information that I must share. I have a friend who works at The Carter Center, and he gave me a copy of the report the Center is planning on releasing after they have "observed" the Iranian election. Or, maybe, I am addressing this to the Center in hopes of landing a lucrative job. I could report on elections all over the world for them and never leave my garage. Or maybe it's just time for a dose of sarcasm.

The Carter Center
June 16, 2005

Report on the National Elections in Iran- June 17, 2005

Background and Introduction
Following a longstanding tradition in Iranian politics, the field of candidates was, for the sake of the electorate, narrowed from over 1,000 to less than 10. This process frees the Iranian voter to make a more informed decision, having only to familarize himself with a handful of candidates. This vetting, unlike America's, where money and connections decide who will run, is entirely free from influential suitcase bombs of money. Thus the world should recognize the neatness and fairness of the Iranian national election.

Voter Participation
Turn out and voter participation were, admitedly lower than hoped for, but with the uncertainty that comes with having American M1 tanks and the US Air Force next door in Iraq, along with the possibility of additional bombs exploding throughout their cities--multiple explosions were reported in the days leading up to the election; some Iranians may have been, understandably, hesitant to vote.

Ironically, however, the major factor for the low number of votes, was the incredibly high turnout. So many people jammed the streets throughout the country, all trying to get to the polls at the same time, that traveling anywhere, in almost every city, was nearly impossible. The people became angry once they realized they would never make it to the voting booth and set buses and piles of tires on fire, further blocking paths to the polls.

(The Carter Center is preparing a report to the UN on improving city planning and road widening in Iran, in an attempt to prevent infrastructural problems from hindering voting in the future. We are also moving forward in our attempts to ask Tehran to drastically increase the number of voting machines by their next major elections--"There is no reason the people of Iran must suffer through Florida-style elections" Former President Jimmy Carter said to Ali Akhbar Rafsanjani, the man declared winner after only 20% of Iranians were able to make it to the polls.)

Fairness
We observed voting and vote counting throughout the country. The traffic jam of voters in the streets which prevented most Iranians from actually voting, made our job simpler and gave us the ability to watch almost every vote counted by hand. Added to this, we discovered the fact that those Iranians who did manage to naviagate the unbearable crowds and were not afraid of the American military next door, voted blank ballots. That is, they were clearly so upset at the, still too large, number of candidates, that they just placed their blank ballot "in the box", assured of the wisdom of their fellow countrymen.

Although women did not participate in this election, had they been allowed to, the crisis of the "voter jam" in the streets would have only been many times worse. Considering the resultant landslide victory for Rafsanjani, it is very likely, that even if every woman in Iran voted, the outcome would have been the same. The Carter Center looks forward to working with the rulers in Tehran on the issue of women's rights. We have been informed that women's suffrage is right around the corner. The actual quote from Supreme Leader Kahmenei was, "We look forward to the day that we are free from American meddling and at that time we can greatly increase women's suffer-age, everone's suffer-age." Clearly, the Iranians are serious about their elections. So serious, that many journalists who tried to disparage the beauty of the Iranian election were detained and given lessons in suffer-age.

Outcome
The Iranian national election of 2005 resulted in the return of Ali Akhbar Rafsanjani to the Presidency. His vote total of 957,456 was lower than he had hoped for, but still more than enough to beat out his competitors, none of whom got over 500,000 votes. There are approximately 50 million of voting age population in Iran. 24 million of them male, and able to vote. Of those 24 million possible voters, only about 20% were able to find a path through the joyous crowds, which equated to 4.8 million votes actually cast. A full 60% were the "blank ballots" referenced above. That left just under 2 million votes actually cast for a candidate. Of those 600,000 were write in votes for George W. Bush--another glaring example of CIA meddling and influence in the Iranian attempt at a pristine ballot. Of the 1.3 million votes left, Rafsanjani got a 74% mandate from the Iranian people. This alone, should demonstrate to the world that Iran is a shining example of real democracy in action, and a model for nations everywhere (especially those north of Mexico and south of Canada).

Final Summary
The people of Iran have spoken loudly, and we must listen to them. They have resoundingly re-elected the muslim clerics into power and endorsed the right of Iran to develop nuclear technology for peaceful and defensive reasons. Any further instigation or meddling by America and her ultra conservative, Bible wielding, wide eyed true believers, whether through the CIA or via covert and overt funding of Iranian resistance groups, would only serve to darken America's image and increase anti-Americanism abroad.

It is clearly evident the people of Iran are truly happy and content with their rulers; and seeing Rafsanjani's 70+% mandate, must drive George W. Bush crazy, since he has not seen an approval rating above 49% in years. There are many things the US could learn from Iran, but the world's bully is always tardy for class, if he ever shows up at all.